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wonderful!!
Jan. 31st, 2008 06:39 pmBritain is repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:
Inlight of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidatesfor President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby givenotice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
HerSovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical dutiesover all states, commonwealths, and territories (except California,which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, GordonBrown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for furtherelections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1.Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will beamazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. Theletter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' withoutskipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be eliminated.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3.Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises suchas "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form ofcommunication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will letMicrosoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will beadjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and theelimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapistsshows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Gunsshould only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sortthings out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you'renot grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will nolonger be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than avegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry avegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will bereplaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left withimmediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediateeffect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundaboutsand metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
9.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French friesare not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chipsare properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animalfat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The coldtasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, andEuropean brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to asLager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11.Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as goodguys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to playEnglish characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialoguein Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one'sears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playingAmerican football. There is only one kind of proper football; you callit soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to playrugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does notinvolve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing fullkevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - theSouth Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
13.Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to hostan event called the World Series for a game which is not played outsideof America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a worldbeyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learncricket deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15.An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty'sGovernment will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of allmonies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time beginspromptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, withhigh quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (withcream) when in season.
God save the Queen.
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:
Inlight of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidatesfor President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby givenotice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
HerSovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical dutiesover all states, commonwealths, and territories (except California,which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, GordonBrown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for furtherelections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1.Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will beamazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. Theletter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' withoutskipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be eliminated.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3.Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises suchas "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form ofcommunication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will letMicrosoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will beadjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and theelimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapistsshows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Gunsshould only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sortthings out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you'renot grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will nolonger be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than avegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry avegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will bereplaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left withimmediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediateeffect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundaboutsand metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
9.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French friesare not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chipsare properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animalfat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The coldtasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, andEuropean brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to asLager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11.Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as goodguys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to playEnglish characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialoguein Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one'sears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playingAmerican football. There is only one kind of proper football; you callit soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to playrugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does notinvolve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing fullkevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - theSouth Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
13.Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to hostan event called the World Series for a game which is not played outsideof America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a worldbeyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learncricket deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15.An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty'sGovernment will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of allmonies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time beginspromptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, withhigh quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (withcream) when in season.
God save the Queen.
